I’m sensitive. I feel deeply and often. I go out of my way to make people feel that I care for them and love them because I often second guess that in others. I think of the feelings of everyone around me all the time (I’m also an empath). When people don’t treat me well I take a mental note and often hold onto it forever. I like to know what people think of me maybe before they even express it. I cry at least once a day, sometimes just because I’m hungry.
Since I used to think being sensitive was a character flaw, a problem that needed to be dealt with, I tried to force myself to be stoic. I would make insensitive jokes about myself or others. I would convince myself that I was too sensitive and that is inherently bad. I would ignore my gut.
Then, I read Audre Lorde’s Uses of the Erotic: Erotic as Power. In that text, Lorde breaks down how the erotic (not to be confused with its opposite, the pornographic) is a distinctly feminine instinct “firmly rooted in the power of our unexpressed or unrecognized feeling”. Lorde talks about how, because of oppression, women have come to be suspect of this innate power. Lorde says “As women, we have come to distrust that power which rises from our deepest and nonrational knowledge.”
That text has stuck with me to my marrow recently. I have felt hurt by the world around me, by people close to me and instead of pushing away those nudgings, I’ve tried to honor them. I’ve tried to accept my sensitivity as powerful in a world where we are increasingly told that we should get over things or just move on. I’m still learning, working and constantly trying to honor my “deepest and nonrational knowledge.”
It has to begin with reclaiming sensitivity. Reclaiming its power, the hope and optimism that lies within it. When we start to see sensitivity as positive, something that’s worth protecting, we’ll cherish it. We will look at insensitive people/experiences/habits as things that we don’t have to tolerate. We will start to listen to our sensitivities as our first line of defense against things/people that may cause us greater pain. Our actions will be informed by our sensitivities, instead of in opposition to them. Slowly, our world may become a bit warmer, a bit more inviting to new ideas and feelings. I hope our world will grow more boldly sensitive.
So, today, I urge you to listen to your sensitivities. Reclaim what it means for you and don’t fight it.
❤